Hid the current posts and de-activated my facebook anyways, ha.

God damn it. I woke up at 12:03 am due to notifications and bam, the birthday spam begins. vdhbdmhb I was going to de-activate my facebook but now it’s too late. Sigh, my birthday… I wonder if my group would even remember. I wonder if they would remember without the help of faecbook. Today is going to suck.

I don’t deserve to live.

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Oh, she’s crying again, how pathetic. Let’s just leave her and hope she’s better later. Run guys run away and just leave her crying. Stop crying; I hate it and don’t want to deal with you crying or complaining.Get away from me, you’re sick. Ugh, you’re going to make me sick. Just go home already, I don’t want to be near you.Just shut up, I don’t want to hear you complain. I swear, if you complain, I’m leaving. You’re a lesbian. Shut up you Asian whore. I never liked you.I hate you. You’re weird. Your vain. Stop looking at yourself. You think I actually care about you?

I sort of figured that you guys hated when I ‘complained’. That’s why I stopped being so serious around you guys. That’s when I slowly started distancing away and kept to myself. I learnt that not even close friends or anyone would care about someone like me. Trust was nothing and everyone was useless.     … I don’t even know anymore. I’m just going to sleep.

I don’t even know if I should even be this scared. This uneasy sick feeling in my stomach and shortness of breath. I just wish it would go away. I don’t want to be this scared. I just wish I could change my way of thinking. Come to think of it, when did I become so negative? When did I start hating myself to this extent? Back then I used to hate the way I looked, but now I don’t even care about things like that. I just hate myself as a person.

On the side note, I’m sick of my sister crying. Just shut up already you spoilt brat.

If I could scrape a low A for ftv when I had to re-do my entire essay just a few days before it was due; I’m sure I can do the same thing for sor. I just need to talk to her.. even though I despise her..

.. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I doing so fucking poorly in this class. It was never like this last year. Actually, it was my second highest subject. Wtf wtf wtf!!! I’m just so fucking frustrated at myself, and I just keep pondering to myself if it whether I’m just fucking stupid or not. I fucking spend so much time, and put so much fucking effort into it and it just feels like the fucking teacher is purposely mocking me or something. God fucking damn it. Why the fuck did they have to swap my fucking teacher this year for the subject. I just want to fucking rip my draft and assignment. I don’t want to fucking show up to class. But I can’t fucking drop it or I’ll have to pick up the the stupid non-op class where all the fucking dumb asses are. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing but I just want to move or something. I’m going to fucking fail this fucking class which will lower my overall year 12 grade. Fuck this. Fuck her.

Sometimes I think about the past, back to my childhood and remember how foolish and stupid of a child I was. All these pathetic things, which if I thought about too much would make me feel more overbearingly guilty. Actually, I’m still doing stupid things right now, just different and foolish acts. I don’t think it’s normal to feel guilty about living. I don’t always feel guilty about my existence, or living all the time. But then again most people like I spend most of their time in a state where it’s apathetic.

No one can help me. It doesn’t matter who it is. Not friends, family, lovers, teachers. Everything is hopeless.

Because I’m stupid.
Because I’m a monster.
Because I’m un-loveable.
Because I’m a coward.
Because I’m arrogant.
Because I’m messed up.
Because I’m nothing.
Because I’m un-helpable.

What? I’m not a good enough friend for you now that you refuse to even see me once in awhile? Does your life seriously have to revolve around that stupid girl you like? It seems like last one-two ish years things were so different. The fact that you would’ve done anything I wanted you to do simply because you liked me more than a friend. But when you found out I only considered you as a close friend, actually no, my best friend at one stage you became bitter and distant. This happens all the time with ‘guy friends’. It always seems that they want something more and if they don’t get what they want they leave without a word.

I hate people that get the extra help from teachers and rub it in your face. Is it bad of me to actually think that I am smarter than them but the only reason they’re passing certain subjects is the fact that their certain teacher basically writes the damn thing for them? It pisses me off so much. That stupid smug look on your face boasting that you were literally handed a completed copy of the assignment to you from x subject. Whereas I actually have to work hard and fricken struggle to get where I am. And then those people that slack off and bamn; assignments are due in a few days and they have a complete break down and they start making their body sick because all of the stress that could have been easilly avoided if they actually did some work. And because they didn’t do their work, and then got sick, and had additional time to do it also pisses me off. Especially when they still receive high marks. Now this wouldn’t bother too much if it was only a one off thing… But it’s every damn time. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.